Since the United States is super into making bad decisions when faced with one perfectly fine option and one super shitty one, I give you a list of similar choices.
Would you rather have a rusty three-inch nail pounded into your hand and then have said nail ripped out, thus leaving a gaping hole that goes untreated and ultimately leads to a festering wound and eventual amputation?
or
An oatmeal raisin cookie that you believed to be chocolate chip.
Would you rather wear a suit made of raw steaks to a zoo, break into the bear enclosure, and get mauled while a group of kindergarteners, visiting as part of a class field trip watch on in stunned horror, the memory of your skin peeling from your face as the bear maws on it like a dog with a chew toy a vision that haunts their every waking hour?
or
Have to walk a few extra blocks to work because the lot you normally park in is full.
Get hired for a position titled “Baby Animal Slapper” in which your only job is to slap the shit out of baby animals. We’re talking baby cats, baby dogs, baby pandas, baby otters, baby muir cats, baby dolphins, etc. Oh, and the cuter the baby, the harder and longer you are required to slap it. You have to keep slapping no matter how much the baby cries or whines or looks at you with its big pleading blue eyes with the hope you’ll stop hurting it?
or
Watch a movie your spouse really wants to see, but it looks kind of dumb to you.
Piss yourself because you drank a big glass of water before leaving for work because your drive is typically only twenty minutes and staying hydrated is important, but then there’s a big wreck on the freeway, and cars are backed up for miles, and you do an admirable job of keeping it in, but the pain becomes too much and the urge to relieve yourself too overwhelming, so you make a wee-wee right there in the driver’s seat and then have to sit in your filth for another six hours, your pants and underwear clinging to your legs, the acrid, marine smell of your waste unpacking its things because it lives here now?
or
Have to make an extra trip to the store because you forgot the one thing you really needed.
Have a spider climb into your butthole and lay its eggs in your intestinal lining and have those baby spiders climb out of your butt during a really big business meeting where you’re the presenter or when you’re down on bended knee at a restaurant about to propose, or insert some other really meaningful moment in your life where having spiders climb out your bum would really mess things up?
or
Not having the spider-ass thing happen.
