Some theories that explain why no one returns my emails
The moment I hit “send” my message, or at least the signal, is swept up by a current created by a massive fan situated just off the coast. The fan blows my message up into space where it is eventually obliterated by the heat of the sun.
Swiper, from Dora the Explorer, has crept into my inbox, and no matter how much I type “Swiper, no swiping” that wily fox still makes off with my outbound messages. Oh, man!
I’m living in a dream, albeit a really boring one where I type and attempt to send work emails. I will soon wake to find I’m in bed. I will make my way downstairs, open up my computer, and be greeted by a fresh batch of responses to my queries.
Work stoppage. My email messages are attempting to unionize. They’re tired of the long hours and the constant travel. Hundreds of emails go missing every year in the spam and/or junk folders. Many more are deleted, never to be seen or heard from again.
There’s a virus in my email account that can make an email look sent but in reality, unsent messages are just piling up in my drafts folder.
Due to cutbacks, my email is no longer equipped with a GPS-enabled device like a smartphone. Instead, my outbound messages have to rely on Thomas Guides from the early 2000s.
My email is really, really out of shape. They’re constantly consuming empty calories from the junk folder and have become addicted to spam. My messages get about ten feet from my computer before collapsing in a heap.
There’s a pandemic going on and everyone’s life is upside down. People are trying to get their work done while also serving as teachers to their school-aged children. Plus, moods and motivation change by the minute. Yeah, they see my email, but dammit let me feel my feelings because we’re in the middle of the plague and I’m this close to going to the store for some milk and a carton of cigarettes if you catch my drift.
