University President Issues Statement Following Violent Attack by Fire-Breathing Space Lizards

Like you, I was shaken by yesterday’s events. The senseless violence left me reeling. Indeed, I couldn’t help but feel despair. The fragile peace between humans and the alien race of fire-breathing lizards evaporated like tears on hot pavement.

Friends, those tears were mine. I cried, not just for the four million people who were killed in that awesome moment of combustible rage, but also for our role in creating this violence.

As scholars, it is our sacred duty to explore, to search for truth, and, when we find it, to share this truth with the world. I fear we let our primitive minds get the best of us. We took one look at these 12-foot tall beasts, with their razor-sharp claws, venomous teeth, and an insatiable desire for human flesh (as relayed to us by their leader Agam) and we panicked. We pre-judged these creatures. We didn’t welcome them with open arms. Rather, we shook our fists and put out a call to arms.

I ask you, who was the real monster in this situation?

I don’t condone yesterday’s bloodshed. I am haunted by images of burning flesh, crunching bone, and the mournful cries of the dying and wounded. Still, I will not condemn Agam and his followers. Instead, I choose to learn from what happened.

I know my opinion is not popular. Many of you have expressed concern about Agam’s stated goal of space lizard supremacy and his desire to use humans as a food supply for his reptile army. I ask for calm. Passions are inflamed on both sides. We need to turn down the temperature on our rhetoric. Only then can we start a dialogue and begin to heal.

This is a teachable moment but we must be willing to attend class and take good notes because, after all, life is but a test. I for one am going to extend a hand (I only have one hand left, one of the lizards burned off the other in what was most assuredly a miscommunication on my part) in friendship. I hope you will do the same.


University President

If you are a member of the campus community and are in need of assistance please contact:

Counseling and Psychological Services

Student Health

Campus Safety & Security

Dad. Husband. Writer. Dork.