Things I Want to Say Someday

If I were a baseball announcer I would say “well, there goes that no-hitter he was working on” after the leadoff batter got a hit.

To my neighbor who cut down all his trees, I’d say “wow, really feels like a guy can breathe now that all the trees are gone.”

To the first person I have a face-to-face conversation with after the pandemic ends, to that person I want to say “you’re muted.”

I want to get a dog and name it grandma. Maybe the dog escapes from the backyard one day. I’d say to my neighbors, “Hey, we’re looking for grandma. She dug under the fence and is loose in the neighborhood. She’s got a collar on but isn’t microchipped.”

If I worked at a banana farm and had a busy day at work and my wife asked me how it went, I’d say it was “bananas.”

I’d like to visit a bird sanctuary with Russell Wilson. The sanctuary is home to different kinds of raptors. Maybe two of the raptors swoop down at the same time and grab mice with their talons. I’d turn to Russ and say “Go Hawks.”

I want to travel to Washington, D.C., perhaps a suburb. I’ll walk around, get to chatting with people. At some point, I’ll ask where they’re from. If they answer “Washington” I will respond with “the state?”

I want to meet Snoop Dogg one day. I’d pitch him on the idea of starting his own line of soups or even his own line of men’s suits. I’d also suggest he write Dr. Seuss books.

We’re in the middle of the country. An airplane crosses the sky overhead. I pullover and tell my wife, “look, it’s a plane over the plains.” If she says “where” I’d say “Can’t you see it? It’s in plain sight.”

If I worked at JanSport and had a really demanding boss I’d tell them to “get off my back.”

Dad. Husband. Writer. Dork.