Sepia Colored Skies Leads to Spike in Sales of Cowboy Hats and Spittoons
SEATTLE — The Seattle Freeze has begun to thaw. Residents of this notoriously aloof city have taken to greeting strangers with a hearty “howdy partner” as they pass each other on the sidewalk.
“It just feels right,” said 27-year-old software engineer Finn Brady. “I was thinking about shaving my handlebar mustache, but I’ve changed my mind because of the haze.”
Indeed, many in the Emerald City have taken to wearing chaps and shouting “giddy up” when starting their Prius. Online retailer Amazon recently reported a 500% percent increase in the sales of cowboy hats and spittoons.
“Honestly, until last week we hadn’t sold a spittoon since 2007,” said company spokesperson Lauren Hastings. “I think that’s because they’re disgusting.”
Brady hasn’t purchased a spit dumpster yet.
“I’ve checked on Etsy, but I can’t find anyone local who uses sustainable materials that are ethically sourced,” he said.
Even so, Brady has outfitted his electric bike with a 100% organic cotton horse costume and now gets his pints of craft IPA from his favorite neighborhood saloon. He’s also strangely taken to calling his fellow Seattleites “city-slickers.”
Confused coffee shop employees report customers coming in and asking for Sarsaparilla. Many of these same customers set up impromptu card games in the lobby that often end in accusations of cheating and the drawing of finger guns. The simulated violence typically ends in a frank and honest discussion about privilege.
The amber-colored gloom has led some to consider moving. “Yessir, I’ve been having bouts of consumption and was thinking about maybe packing up and taking me and my kin someplace drier,” said Chester Mangrove as he spit into a siren shaped spittoon he purchased at Starbucks. “Besides, it’s getting so a fella can’t even buy a quart of kefir in these parts for less than ten dollars.