Santa Brainstorms Some Pithy COVID-19 Related Holiday Messages

How’d you like to spend 12 days in the ICU?

I don’t want milk and cookies. I want you to wear a mask.

Rudolph couldn’t guide my sleigh tonight. He died from complications due to COVID-19.

You do remember that I see you when you’re sleeping, right?

I make lists. Do you know who also makes lists? Hitmen.

Do you like the red and white striping I put on this ventilator tube?

I left a turd in your stocking. I figured I’d give you one of my shits since you don’t seem to have any to spare. And yes, it does naturally smell like cinnamon.

I stole your car, emptied your bank accounts, and burned all the presents under your tree before hacking said tree to bits with a chainsaw. I also left a letter for your kids in their room and sent a digital copy to their respective emails. In this letter, I tell them the reason they have nothing is because of you and your unwillingness to take the pandemic seriously.

Do you want to be the one who kills Santa? I mean, I’m like 300 years old so you know I’m considered high-risk. That’s like killing five grandpas.

Freedom isn’t free but my boot in your ass sure is.

Oh, you want to tell me about this thing you read online? One second, let me just get my wrapping paper and, could you put your finger right here? Thanks. One more time around your big dumb mouth should suffice. Perfect! Remember, do not open until Christmas.

Hey dip shit, spread holiday cheer, not COVID.

Dad. Husband. Writer. Dork.