Samuel L. Jackson, Debate Moderator

EWE
3 min readSep 30, 2020

I saw this meme and was inspired.

Samuel L. Jackson: Welcome to the first presidential debate between the Republican incumbent, President Donald J. Trump, and the Democratic challenger, former Vice President Joseph R. Biden.

Trump: Sleepy Joe, that’s what I call him.

Samuel L. Jackson: Now, I’m going to try and stay civilized tonight, but if you interrupt me again I’m going to break my foot off in your ass.

Trump: You hear that folks, I’m being attacked by the radical left.

Samuel L. Jackson: Bitch, I’ll hit you with my radical left.

Trump: You’re fake news.

Samuel L. Jackson: Look, if you want me to turn your orange ass black and blue keep talking. Otherwise, shut the fuck up.

Trump: Washed up.

Samuel L. Jackson: Excuse me?

Trump: I said your movies are garbage.

Samuel L. Jackson: Okay, you “Home Alone 2” cameo, dribble dicked, tiny fingered punk ass. I know, you’re up here running your stupid Hoover mouth in a sad and desperate attempt to deflect from a catalog of personal and professional failures that is longer than Santa’s Naughty or Nice list. I get it. You suck at this, but don’t waste my motherfucking time. I’ve got shit to do.

Trump:…

Samuel L. Jackson: We cool?

Trump: Samuel Loser Jackson. That’s what I’m going to call you. You get it? The L in your middle name stands for loser.

Samuel L. Jackson: Well, isn’t that cute. You know something? I’m going to miss my right foot, and yes, I admit, it’s probably a poor choice to shove an appendage so far up a man’s ass that the only way to remove it is through amputation. I mean, I might need a wheelchair and months of agonizing physical therapy just to learn how to walk properly on my prosthesis, but shit, this right here is a war and there’s bound to be casualties, exempli grata my right foot and your ability to take a dump sans diapers.

Trump: Yikes! No wonder you’ve never won an Oscar.

Read: Donald Trump Ballad: A Mask (I Should Have Worn)

Samuel L. Jackson: I have had it with this motherfucking dick on this motherfucking stage!

John Travolta wanders onto the stage. No one knows where he came from.

Samuel L. Jackson: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Samuel L. Jackson takes out his mail-in ballot and votes for Joe Biden while a confused Travolta flashes his signature move from 1977’s “Saturday Night Fever.”

Eric Wilson-Edge’s work has been featured in The Seattle Times, Narratively, Grit City Magazine, and other publications. He is the author of Dumpster Fire: 2020, Trump, and Stories From our Fully Engulfed World.

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