Rittenhouse Cured Cancer Day Before Kenosha Shooting

KENOSHA — 17-year-old Kyle Rittenhouse has been charged with two counts of first-degree homicide and one count of attempted homicide. The Illinois teenager allegedly opened fire during protests on the night of August 25. The protests are in response to the shooting of Jacob Blake by Kenosha police.

New information has come out in recent days about the events leading up to the shooting. For instance, we know Rittenhouse was busy cleaning up graffiti a mere hours before violence erupted — but that’s not all. We’ve been able to confirm through interviews with Rittenhouse’s friends and family that the teen’s yearlong effort to cure all forms of cancer finally paid off.

“Kyle built his own research facility using funds he earned while mowing the lawns of elderly disabled vets,” said Rittenhouse’s friend Todd Klacenbauer. “Kyle would have done it for free, but those vets knew what Kyle was working on, so they insisted he get paid.”

Klacenbauer says Rittenhouse phoned him on the afternoon of August 24 to relay the good news. “He devoted all of his free time to finding a cure because he knew people were suffering,” said Klacenbauer. “He’s not a good guy, he’s the best guy.”

Rittenhouse is a devoted member of Bishop Peter Dalton’s Church of the Sacred. “There was a young boy in our congregation who needed a wheelchair,” said Dalton. “Well, we talked about holding a fundraiser, but Kyle decided he was going to learn how to make one himself. I mean, he built a foundry in his backyard then taught himself how to weld, just incredible. By the next weekend Kyle had built the boy a fully functioning wheelchair — all while he was developing a cure for cancer!”

Just about everyone in Rittenhouse’s hometown paints a similar picture. One person interviewed for this story said the 17-year-old offered to be a wet nurse for local orphaned babies. Rittenhouse achieved this by crafting a fake breast with an intricate pumping system that delivered milk collected from local mothers.

News of the shooting came as a surprise to those who know Rittenhouse. “It’s fake news, Kyle went out there to protect vulnerable businesses, not hurt people,” said Klacenbauer. “He’s always trying to see the good in people, like the time he flew out to California and took that Stanford swimmer out to dinner. Kyle felt bad that that guy’s life got ruined because of one little misunderstanding.”

Read: Dumpster Fire: 2020, Trump, and Other Stories From Our Fully Engulfed World

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