National Treasure Lied to Me

Guess what? As it turns out stealing the Declaration of Independence is easier than respected scholar Benjamin Gates made it out to be. You don’t need a Ph.D. in American history, a nerdy sidekick with tech skills, or even a real plan. The riot and subsequent takeover of the Capitol building showed me that stealing one of the founding documents would be relatively easy. Here’s what you’ll need.

  • To be white
  • Facial hair, the more grisly and unkempt the better
  • A replica Viking helmet, one you probably use to drink beer out of
  • An anti-semitic hoodie
  • Apparently nowhere else to be on a Wednesday afternoon in January
  • A flag, preferably Confederate or Blue Lives Matter
  • The ability to shout a lot and give reporters the middle finger
  • The Capitol Police
  • A cell phone to record your face doing all kinds of patriotic shit including getting a mad sweet selfie with Capitol Police
  • WiFi access and social media accounts where you can post said photos and videos of yourself doing patriotic shit like manspreading in Nancy Pelosi’s chair or showing off your noose making abilities
  • A belief that the 2020 election was stolen
  • A president who shares your belief (knowledge you got from him) that the election was stolen and actively foments your rage until it becomes a blind hatred of any and all who oppose him
  • Repeating the phrase “this is our house” in a very manly way. In this case, that means using some kind of pejorative. “This is our fucking house” is one way as is “This is our house, fuck!”

In summation, there’s no need to worry about the police or complex security systems. If you’re white, are into racist cosplay, and have a mustache, goatee, or beard (no Van Dykes), all you have to do is chat up Capitol PD. Chances are they’ll carry the document out to your mom’s car for you. If not, kindly but firmly remind them that, “this is our fucking house” and that all this shit belongs to you, but also to him, and to every other red-blooded, real American, and by that you mean heterosexual males who enjoy freedom and who respect this nation’s proud history and who won’t let the Goddamn libs trample all over it with their riots and looting. No dammit, not today, this is is our house, fuck!

Dad. Husband. Writer. Dork.