Magical Snowman Suspected in a Series of Crimes

SEATTLE — Police say a snowman is responsible for breaking into local businesses, setting car fires, and threatening to stab passersby with a carrot. The mayhem started yesterday afternoon outside the Goodwill on Capitol Hill.

Karen Foray and a group of her friends were shopping at the Goodwill when they came across an old top hat. The 17-year-old and her friends purchased the garment. “I recently bought this emergency snowman kit that came with a corncob pipe, button, and three pieces of coal,” she said. “Best $25 I’ve ever spent.”

Foray and her two friends decided to build a snowman outside the Goodwill. “We may or may not have been higher than Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve,” she said.

The three set about building the snowman. “We gave him balls,” said a chuckling Paul Frees. “But then we thought it was super messed up to gender a snowperson so we opted for the classic design instead which itself is problematic.”

Something happened once Foray placed the old top hat atop the snowman’s head. “Dude came to life,” said Frees. “Said his name’s Frosty and that he wanted to have some fun before he melted away.”

Have you seen this snowman?

“Fun” in this case meant rampaging through a local Whole Foods. Witnesses say the snowman screamed at anyone who came down the produce aisle. “He kept saying the carrots were his, that he needed options for a planned nose job,” said Whitney Banks. Banks says an assistant manager came over and tried to intervene but the snowman threatened to “stab him in the brain” with the root vegetable.

From there the snowman made his way back outside where police say he smashed through a window at Target. “He saw this display featuring Olaf from Frozen and just went ballistic,” said Foray. “We told him to chill but I don’t think he could hear us. Frosty just kept muttering something about unrealistic body standards and Disney commodifying his culture.”

Foray said she and her two friends left at that point. Police allege the snowman managed to get his hands on a lighter and a box of premium La Vieille Ferme boxed wine. “We believe the snowman was intoxicated when he used the remnants of the boxed wine as a propellant in a series of car fires,” said Sergeant Nicholas Corneilus of the Seattle Police Department.

Not much is known about the snowman’s whereabouts following the incidents. Some speculate that the snowman melted under the intense heat of the vehicle fires. Indeed, multiple people in the area report hearing piercing screams of “I’m melting, I’m melting” and “Oh what a world” around the same time.

Police did recover an old top hat from the scene. Still, they’re not taking any chances. “We’re asking the public to be on the lookout for a snowman, white, about six feet tall, with a corncob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made of coal,” said Cornelius.

When asked about a motive, Corneilus said, “there must have been some magic in that old top hat.” “We’re also not ruling out the possibility that ANTIFA or some other leftist organization was involved in some way.”

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