15 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Mitch McConnell

EWE
2 min readSep 27, 2020

We know he sucks, but did you know…

McConnell has a fridge in his house that is stocked with mayonnaise from around the world. The Kentucky senator is known to eat spoonfuls of the condiment straight from the jar.

McConnell dresses up as Billy Zane’s character in Titanic for Halloween every year.

The 78-year-old’s favorite song is “My Milkshake” by Kelis, although McConnell has recently taken a liking to “WAP” by Cardi B. and Megan Thee Stallion.

McConnell suffers from IBS which causes him to have uncontrollable bouts of flatulence. McConnell regularly passes gas in public and, if he gets caught, blames Democrats for the putrid stank.

He can lick his eye with his tongue.

Mitch McConnell

He sleeps upside down suspended from the ceiling.

The Senate Majority Leader is famous for his drawl and droopy skin. The latter has gotten to be a problem in recent years. Nowadays, McConnell uses clothespins to keep his skin in place so as to avoid tripping over his flesh.

In high school, McConnell was voted “most likely to undermine democracy.”

McConnell is allergic to babies and tears. He once cried and severely burned his face.

McConnell likes to stick his head out the window while driving and let his jowls flap in the wind.

He has authored a series of erotic novels under the pen name Phil A. Buster. His works include — Nevertheless, He Persisted — a tawdry tale of senate procedure, lust, and a questionable interpretation of consent.

The Alabama native does not understand the concept of fist-bumping. McConnell sees a clenched fist as a threat and automatically responds by punching the other person in the face. Numerous small children have been knocked unconscious by McConnell after they were encouraged by their unknowing parents to give the senator knucks.

McConnell has never won a round of rock paper scissors in his life. (Almost always plays paper).

The Republican senator doesn’t believe in the concept of Tuesday. Instead, McConnell refers to the day as long Monday or extra Wednesday.

McConnell likes to put toenail clippings in his mouth. They don’t have to be his.

Read: Dumpster Fire: 2020, Trump, and Other Stories From Our Fully Engulfed World

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